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Hospital Affairs

    by Carole Tricker


Comedy Play Script: 'Hospital Affairs' by Carole Tricker

Hospital porter Fred hosts poker games for patients in an unused ward in a newly opened hospital.  He keeps a pile of boxes to hide these goings on, saying they are full of surplus equipment.

On the night in question he has two patients and another porter lined up to play poker.

However, Jane, hospital administrator, sees the ward as the ideal place to seduce Dr Preston and prepares one of the bed bays for the seduction scene. At the same time, and unknown to Fred and Jane, Pete (who delivers the meals to patients) wants to use the ward as a place for his Gran to sleep while their house is rented out on Airbnb. He gets her settled into one of the beds.  Sexy nurse Susie James is already having an affair with Dr Nigel Preston and persuades him that the empty ward is an ideal place to meet.

Dini is a cleaner from an Eastern European country.  She misunderstands everything because of her poor English. She gets involved when she thinks the Gran is a real patient who is dangerously ill with appendicitis. She is also very keen to marry anyone, and Pete appears to be an ideal candidate.

The fun starts as all these characters try to use the ward for their own purposes.  One is knocked out by Gran and the other poker players have to deal with an unconscious body and, of course, this is when Jane/Susie/Dr Prestonl appear. The action ends up with clothes being taken off, hidden and swopped. Pete ends up in his Gran’s clothes, Susie in Jane’s clothes. Jane in the bed with a sexy nightie on in silk sheets and Gran in bed in her curlers, 

At this point, Mrs Carstairs, the chairperson of the NHS trust walks in.  Dr Preston manages to ‘explain’ everything, all support his story, and things end happily. 


(6m, 5f)

  • Pete McDonald - 30s, takes food trolley round in the hospital, gauche, ruled by his Gran, scared of women, not very bright, a clown
  • Gran - very old, crafty, sharp
  • Fred Downfield - 50s, hospital porter, rotund, always on the make
  • Susie James - sexy nurse, Sister of the adjoining ward, brunette, having a fling with Dr Nigel Preston
  • Dr Nigel Preston - pompous, a bit of a letch
  • Jane Murphy - hospital Manager, tall, blond, fearsomely efficient, desperate to seduce Dr Preston
  • Dini - 30s, cleaner, Eastern European, appalling English, full of energy, misunderstands everybody but always tries to help and always gets it wrong, desperate to marry anyone
  • Bert - patient from a nearby ward, leg in plaster in a wheelchair
  • Jack - patient in a nearby ward, has a drip in his arm with fluid carried on a mobile stand
  • Jeff - another porter, Fred’s friend, uncouth
  • Mrs Carstairs - NHS Trust chairperson

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