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Snails For Starters


Comedy Play Script: 'Snails For Starters' by Kattreya Scheurer-Smith

‘Snails For Starters’ is that wonderful connection between an old school layout; a comedy dinner borderline farce, with your modern day topics of conversation; Facebook, Instagram and dating apps. It’s middle-aged relationships written by a writer in her mid-twenties but finding that laugh out loud comedy with the subtlety of a realistic connection. 

We start with our protagonists; Robert and Juliet. Robert and Juliet are your stereotypical postcard couple, with the exception that Juliet hates stereotypes and would rather superimpose her face onto a dancing elf than help with the cleaning. She’s witty, sharp and I like to think the kind of woman we all wish we had the gusto to be. She speaks the truth, she’s fast and she’s also an owner of her own ECard empire. Robert’s a vet, a man who can spurt out an animal fact at the drop of a hat. They may appear unconventional, but they gel. 

Enter Robert’s old school chum, Carl, and our dinner party is off to a start. Carl is your Delboy, (literally quoted ‘The Delboy of Reading’) he can talk the talk, and try to walk the walk but after creating such a facade to his new younger girlfriend, Imogen, can he really keep up the act? Imogen is our main comedy point, aside from the witty interchanges, Imogen is a complete and utter send-up. She’s borderline believable but comes out with some of the most baffling and hilarious lines. It goes well, they’re discussing who would win in a fight between Indiana Jones or Zorro? There’s some dancing and even some misconstrued of the nickname ‘Big Ju’. This is all until, ‘Lola’ enters. 

So concludes our first half. The second half is pacy, we have relationships, there are in-depth conversations between a troubled father daughter relationship, we have the questions of ‘do you still find me beautiful? Or are you just comfortable?’ and many facts about Madagascar. After the truth comes out, a wonderful (if potentially fake) relationship occurs between Imogen and the newly arrived Cuckoo, Lola. Eloping to Madagascar to join the tribeswomen, on Carl’s credit card, our night comes to a close. Offering him a room upstairs, Juliet lets Carl stay for a bit more because ‘despite the fact he’s a plonker, I know he means a great deal to you, Robert’. We end with some touching interchanges between our protagonists because isn’t it more important who you want to spend your Sunday afternoon with than your Friday night? Romance, comedy and some completely bizarre interchanges. It’s funny, but also, surprisingly touching.


(2m, 3f)

  • Robert - 55, Juliet’s husband, kind-natured vet, a clean freak with good intentions and limited backbone
  • Juliet - 55, witty, sharp and a relatively laid back career woman, designer of E-cards, married to Robert for 35 years
  • Carl - 55, university friend of Robert's, a geezer with the ability to talk the talk, a bragger who isn't afraid to show off and pretends to be much younger than he is
  • Imogen - 26, Carl's new girlfriend, exceptionally dim, a gold-digger and beauty blogger, relatively sweet despite her intentions
  • Lola - 26, Carl’s daughter, unexpectedly arrives back from travelling after blowing £40,000 inheritance on a cult

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